see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize