So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
