I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
