I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
