Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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