did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
