dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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