I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
