Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
