u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
