is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
