Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize