I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
