I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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