How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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