I am puke
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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