my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
