I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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