Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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