So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
