So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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