I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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