You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
a search helicopter?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
