Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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