I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
