Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He has the fingertips of a God
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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