So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
