seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
