I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
