11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
