Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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