A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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