Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
