got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
