Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
