I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize