two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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