To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
