he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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