i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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