If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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