I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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