Dual....:-)
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
