How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
