it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
