I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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