like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
