I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Randomize
