I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
