Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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