we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
