I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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