If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
