Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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