i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
