I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
