i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize