I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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