the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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