i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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